Real humility is not denying the gifts you are offered; it is accepting them ~ Alan Cohen
Where do the apologies that creep into our writing come from?
Thinking about that as I was writing the pieces on apologising, and reading your comments and feedback, I kept on coming back to fear.
That fear comes in many guises (and you probably have your own home-made version):
- Fear that you’re not an authority
- Fear that you’re not justified in the opinions you express
- Fear that you’ll be found out
- Fear that you’re not good enough
- Fear of criticism
- Fear of the bright lights of success
- Fear of the sound of your own voice
Those fears creep into our writing. Get us to tone it down and tune it out. Diminish what it is we’re trying to say.
Learning to change the words can help. It gets you into the habit of writing with confidence, and listening to yourself speaking with confidence, clarity and kindness.
But there’s more to it than the words. The words are reflecting the inner state. And that means looking for answers beyond words.
Here are ten things that work for me (indulge me, you know I love numbered lists):
1. Set an intention
Focusing on your purpose rather than your words is a great way to get round the inner critic. Think about the difference you want to make with your writing - something that’s more powerful than the gremlins can ever be. Don’t fall into the trap of setting an intention that feels like another ‘should’ (should write something meaningful, should write something powerful and inspiring).
Look for a purpose that makes you feel light, excited, motivated… and gets your fingers tingling, ready to type. (For example, but don’t take my words or they’ll just become shoulds…to share something beautiful you’ve found, to express gratitude, to make someone smile.)
2. Manage your state before you write
It’s really hard to write with warmth, power, levity, authority, confidence… if you’re not feeling that way. Get into the habit of managing your state before you start to write. Get into the right frame of mind before you start - whether that’s music, reading, exercise, watching a youtube video or lighting a candle… find what works for you and do it.
3. Listen to the music of your words
Learning to recognise the pattern, rhythm, melody and yes music of your words will help you to love your own writing. It will start to delight you. It’s part of finding your own sweet spot, and recognising that it’s okay (and maybe even necessary) for you to share it.
Here’s more on sweet spots, tooting sweetly and recognising your own music:
Of all the values I teach, the toughest one for people is ha‘aha‘a, the value of humility. People don’t really get it. What most people consider ‘being humble’ to be, is actually a cop-out of being uninvolved, where they are less engaged in the guise of not stepping on someone’s toes, being shy and hesitant, and not tooting their own horn when their music would actually sound wonderfully melodic and sweet if they did. Folks, you need to toot away!
4. Go outside
Observe nature. How does she do it? Learn from that.
5. Go inside
Write, journal, reflect. Going inside helps us work out what’s going on, what matters, what our values are (and why we want to pass them on.) Think about standing deeper inside rather than the sense of exposure you worry about when you focus on the outside (more on this here: Stand Out and Stand In)
When we “Stand Out,” or when we “step out” into what we want, what we’re actually doing is moving deeper inward. In fact, I’d wager to say that the inward movement is required in order to hold our center.
6. Find words that light your fire
These words from Marianne Williamson do it for many people, including me. She hits the nail on the head when she talks about the fear of our power.
Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It’s not just in some of us; it’s in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.
7. Encourage others
One of the great things about blogging (the interactive sort, that includes reading and commenting) is that you get into the habit of writing positively. Giving positive and constructive feedback, with the aim of encouraging and supporting others. Reading and recognising the power of other people’s words - what kinds of things resonate, what has spirit, what can teach you something. It all adds to the confidence mix.
8. Practice writing with confidence
Look for ways to edit out the apologies and write in the confidence. Working on the language can help you do it bit by bit. And the more you write with confidence (and hear it ringing truly from your words) the more you’ll start to feel that way. It’s a virtuous circle 
9. Check your sources
Your apprehension has probably kicked in because you’re going out of your comfort zone.
It might be a signal from your unconscious mind that something’s not right - and that you need to check something again, or learn something new first, or research another element, or rewrite so it’s more accurate. In which case: check your sources thoroughly before you publish and send.
Or it might ‘just’be those niggling fears of not being good enough that are getting in the way.
In which case: check your sources. (Your intention, the inspiration you get from the natural world, the words that light you fire…)
10. Go for it
Who are you not to?
~~~
How have you learned to write without apology? What made the biggest difference? What’s the biggest difference you still want to make?
~~~
This is the third in a series on apologetic writing. Other posts in the series:
Stop Apologising (for the things you’ve never done)
5 Simple Ways to Power Up Your Writing
~~~
Linked Reading:
How to become a fire breathing writing dragon
How purpose beats the inner critic
Stand Out and Stand In ~ Christine Kane
Toot Sweetly: Create Your Own Distinction ~ Rosa Say
Alan Cohen quote found on Twitter
Photos, writing, prose poems and poetry, plus short courses and materials to help you capture the art of everyday wonder.
Twitter: alina_popescu
says:
Joanna, I’ve tried quite a few of your solutions and they all worked great. I have another two that I usually try out: the first one is the “fear is the mind killer” mantra from Dune (yeah, I am a freak when it comes to the Dune series
); the second one is sort of a last resort. When fear cripples my writing and I just can’t seem to get over it (it’s been a rough day and my positive energy is almost running out), I ask someone whose opinion I value to read what I’m working on. It usually helps, because they are obviously more objective than me (I am biased by my fear, I know it from how I ask for feedback - “I don’t know how good this is, it might be pure rubbish, but I need some fresh eyes on it”)
Great post, as always
.-= Alina Popescu´s last blog ..Why outsourcing PR services is really a bargain =-.
Awesome article! Practice is essential to building a more confident style. The more you write, the more comfortable you become with your own writing, and the more you can move away from that second-guessing tone of voice.
.-= Corey Freeman´s last blog ..7 Words to Know Wednesday – 10/28/09 =-.
Joanna, You certainly have a profound understanding of this issue, given the clarity and correctness in your list of fears, which I’m sure have crippled all of us at one time or another. I’ve been touched by all of them, but fortunately I’m moody enough not to be permanently afflicted by any one of them. (Perhaps moodiness is a defense mechanism endowed on us by God or nature to keep us writing.) Anyway, fear of criticism is my biggest challenge, in that I can always think of exceptions to points I make about marketing, writing, SEO, etc. This causes me to over qualify my statements, the result of which makes me sound wimpier and more tentative than I really mean to be. How do I overcome this?
.-= Brad Shorr´s last blog ..Use Trade Shows to Boost SEO =-.
I just realized I can sum up much of my creative life in 4 words. “Go outside. Go inside.”
.-= Bo´s last blog ..Shopping Cart Art? =-.
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This post was mentioned on Twitter by brandonacox: RT @joannayoung 10 Ways to Write Without Apology http://bit.ly/2MVU2o...
Joanna — this post really hit home for me because I notice when I send a post or an article to my editor, I’m always apologizing or making a negative comment about it…even when I really like it.
I’m going to try something. I’ll review my emails to my editor and take out the negatives and the “it needs work” type of comments. Even just saying “here’s a new article for editing,” would be better. This will be a good challenge for me!
I appreciate you bringing up this subject about writing. Thanks:~)
.-= Sara Healy´s last blog ..My Halloween Scare =-.
Thank you very much Joanna.
Your quote from Marianne about our deepest fears is especially welcome, and it’s something I’ve struggled over the past few months.
And I love the advice about listening to the music of our words; I used to think I must have been weird because I thought I was the only one who did that.
Thank you, Joanna, for another great article. It’s helpful, and most of all, reaffirming.
.-= Naok0´s last blog ..[Pre-Nano] Surrounded =-.
[...] who writes about Confident Writing, had this beautiful quote that just hit me over the head with its sheer delight. To live, is to give myself the permission to [...]
Twitter: ullahe
says:
Joanna,
thanks for another important post. I know what you are speaking about, and may add another point: Trust in what others say! In the beginning of my blogging career, when the first comments began to drop in, I had difficulties to believe people when they said that something I wrote was good. I thought they were kind and polite.
I have been a member of a social network called ning for quite some time. All of us are writing squidoo lenses. I am getting all kinds of feedback, suggestions included how to change something for the better. It is a climate of mutual trust, and it helps me very much to overcome my fears.
.-= Ulla Hennig´s last blog ..Can you Write Following a Plan? =-.
Twitter: karenswim
says:
Joanna, the opening quote said it all for me. It is a thought I have only recently really been able to own. Your insight on this issue is profound. Yes, fear is the root of apologetic writing. It robs us of coming to the page with confident and simply saying what is in our hearts and minds. I have not conquered fear but I have learned to move in spite of it. There are so many things that are scary, but I just do them scared rather than allowing fear to paralyze me. This has been an excellent coaching series Joanna, thank you for sharing it!
.-= Karen Swim´s last blog ..The World’s Not Small It’s Just Sliced Really Thin =-.
Twitter: joannapaterson
says:
Alina as I said on twitter - that line from Dune is brilliant. I’m going to borrow it
The point about feedback is very important… it can unlock our energy again when we get credible positive feedback from people we respect and trust
Corey sorry your comment got sent to spam… rescued now. Good point about practicing… it’s something to do with getting used to your own voice, and accepting its… well maybe it’s a question of accepting its power and truth
Twitter: joannapaterson
says:
Brad that’s priceless - make sure you’re moody enough that you’re always beset by different fears, and never get hit by all of them at once
I think in relation to your question I’d come back to intention. Your intention isn’t to demonstrate you are a world expert in SEO / writing / marketing - your intention is to pass on what you’ve learned (which is a lot) to folk who don’t know so much. Your intention is to be specific, practical, helpful… and to keep learning (to keep passing it on).
There’s a connection back to authenticity here - I remember this coming up way back when…
Authenticity doesn’t have to mean “expert” — you can be perfectly up-front with the fact that you don’t know much about what you’re talking about — but hey, that’s being authentic right there.
It was a comment from Adam Kayce - it’s clearly struck a chord as I’ve held on to the thought for 18 months!
https://thewriterslife.net/2007/09/the-meaning-of/#comment-366
Twitter: joannapaterson
says:
Sara that’s such a good point and definitely worth trying. Sounds like you’re managing expectations down almost without noticing it - other people’s but also and perhaps more importantly your own. Will be interesting to see if your confidence increases by trying a different approach! Glad you’re okay by the way x
NaokO you know those words are some of the most powerful I’ve ever come across. It’s my pleasure to share them, always. Glad to have found a fellow enjoyer of the music of words… sometimes I think that’s all I’m doing, just working till I get the melody and rhythm… that’s where all the satisfaction comes from for me.
Ulla that is such a good point. Trust, don’t reject out of hand, the positive feedback that people give you. It’s a great way to learn, as well as to build your confidence. Thank you.
Karen thank you as ever for your feedback. Your comments are always gems, as in, things I will and do treasure. I’m still learning to accept the meaning of that opening line. Sometimes I’m there in my writing, but not in how I work, teach and most importantly in the stretches I need to take in what I do to connect and engage with more people in different ways. But I will. With all of you good people round about me, I will.
Next time I write another blog post on my business blog, I need to read this post and follow your instructions. Unlike my personal Beyond it All blog, I am afraid of offending anyone on my business blog so I keep my post pretty vanilla and probably a bit boring. Thanks for the motivation for me to lighten up and be myself!
.-= Carla´s last blog ..I am here! (The Financial Cost of Multiple Sclerosis) =-.
Twitter: joannapaterson
says:
Carla I think, a bit like I was saying to Brad, that if you know what your intention is, and you know it’s a positive one, you can focus on that and then let the rest flow from it. Trying to be all things to all people will generate a more vanilla result… not so much fun for you to write either
Joanna-
Thanks for posting this! I have found it really helpful.
K.C.D
http://thewritingsofkcd.wordpress.com/
.-= K.C.D.´s last blog ..Note From the Author =-.
I think every non-fiction piece I ever tried to write started with an apology for why I presumed to write the article. I quit writing non-fiction because I couldn’t stand my own wimpiness. My fiction was a bit tentative and wimpy at first, also. It’s growing in power as I have gained experience and learned to trust my voice.
This is timely and helpful. My NaNoWriMo story this year is the most ambitious project I have tackled yet. It is downright audacious and will brook no timidity. If I’m to succeed I have to move forward with not just confidence but something bordering on bravado.
Yikes!
.-= Meredith´s last blog ..On Giving Birth to Babies and Books =-.
[...] 10 Ways to Write Without Apology Posted in November 1st, 2009 By eliskah 2 Comments » Filed under: Copywriting Tags: chyby, e-mail, psaní [...]
Yes, Joanna, yes. Great advice. This is such a big part of what writing should be. Write for yourself with no guilt, no apology. Write as a release of your creativity which never needs an apology.
I just love this list.
George
.-= George Angus´s last blog ..Heal Thyself – New Blog of the Week =-.
Hi Joanna, it’s been too long! It’s great to know that I can return to this blog and get re-fueled and -focused with such good guides. You share 10 excellent points as always.
I’m intrigued that #2 is similar to a message that I read from a friend who is a minister. Controlling your state is the common thread in writing and in person. I’ve tried it and found that choosing the Self I bring to a writing project definitely impacts my writing.
Thanks for all these great tips for improving my writing.
.-= Shari Smothes´s last blog ..getting attention =-.
Twitter: joannapaterson
says:
Bo sorry I think I missed your comment earlier. Meant to say… me too
Twitter: joannapaterson
says:
KCD hi and thanks - sorry your comment got delayed, it went into the spam filter.. rescued now
Meredith it’s interesting how different forms generate different levels of apology, isn’t it? I wonder which one comes with an absolute permission slip?
Good luck with your NaNo story… I love the sound of bravado. I’m going to swallow some of that too.
George thanks. Meanwhile, I just love this line: Write as a release of your creativity which never needs an apology.
Shari how lovely to see you. You are welcome any time
The thing about managing your state is really interesting, isn’t it? Once you realise it can be done it’s hard to un-realise it. Means taking a lot of responsibility for how you travel through life… but a whole lot of freedom too.
So glad to hear from you Shari, this blog is such a wonderful place for catching up with the most amazing creative folk!
Absolutely.
@Alina: I love your words “Fear is the mind killer”. Sometimes I feel the fear of write and share my post on social media though I know my content is better than people’s out there in some cases.
I find encouraging others is a great idea. Just a short comment, a vote or retweet on Twitter can encourage me a lot.
.-= Phaoloo´s last blog ..Top 8 Tools To Check Spelling And More =-.
Looped back to re-read this. I should print it and carry it around with me. I need it that much.
Your advice reminds me of a mantra someone gave me a long time ago. It was a quote from a book; I never read the book but I’ll never forget the quote:
“Feel the fear, and do it anyway.”
That was the big breakthrough that let me start writing seriously. I’m still afraid, and I apologize continuously. The difference is, I don’t let my fear stop me or the apologies slow me down for too long.
Once I get started, when the voices of doubt start yapping, I tell them to shut the heck up.
.-= Meredith´s last blog ..Word of the Day: Repugnant =-.
Twitter: joannapaterson
says:
Phaoloo thanks for stoopping by. I agree with you re encouraging others - it does encourage us too, and keeps us moving in the social media sphere rather than feeling nervous about it. It also adds warmth and kindness to writing which is all part of the confidence bit!:-)
Meredith thanks for popping back. It’s a great line, and one I (and no doubt others) say to themselves often. The book is well worth a read - I learned (and applied, and apply) a lot from it.
You might double check the quote from Marianne Williamson. I am pretty sure it is a direct from Ghandi.
Blessings!
Brian
Twitter: joannapaterson
says:
@ Brian, thanks for the query - it is definitely Marianne Williamson, though often attributed to Mandela (an inaugural speech, though apparently it’s an urban myth, he didn’t use the words at all, not even borrowed)
[...] 10 Ways To Write Without Apology [...]
Twitter: daisysprouts
says:
I know that this is an older post, but I found it really empowering. My earlier attempts at blogging were thwarted by fear. Fear of negative comments. Fear of having a different opinion. Fear of exposing my soul. Thank for helping me realize that I don’t have to apologize or justify why I feel or say the things I do.
Twitter: joannapaterson
says:
@K.B.: I know it’s older, but still a favourite of mine. I’m so glad you found it helpful.